Animals don’t talk
While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer
riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation
. . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a fucken liar."
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a fucken liar."
******************************************************
|
Motorcycle tool-guide
|
|
• Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for
levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
• Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop. • Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!" • Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder. • Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. • Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. • Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. • Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers. • Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. • Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters. • Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. • Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. • E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. • Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor. • Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. • Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. • Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. • Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. • Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off. • Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. • Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. *********************************************************
Why bikers don’t
write to agony aunts
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around
the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe
she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my
hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her
personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley
Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a
good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor
oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I
should take itback to the dealer?
**************************************************************
|
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
***************************
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
***************************
A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the
trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker
about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
****************************
Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
****************************
Bologna and Cheese
A road worn Biker walked into a whore house, handed the Madam $500. In a slow, gruff voice the Biker told the Madam he wanted a warm beer, a bologna and cheese sandwich, and a fat ugly woman.
Dear sir, the Madam replied, for that kind if money you can have a fine meal, and a beautiful woman.
The Biker peered at the Madam. Look lady, I’m not hungry or horny,,, just home sick.
A road worn Biker walked into a whore house, handed the Madam $500. In a slow, gruff voice the Biker told the Madam he wanted a warm beer, a bologna and cheese sandwich, and a fat ugly woman.
Dear sir, the Madam replied, for that kind if money you can have a fine meal, and a beautiful woman.
The Biker peered at the Madam. Look lady, I’m not hungry or horny,,, just home sick.
****************************
The biker and the pharmacist
Crash, the Biker, walks into
a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes
coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need
something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks
the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label
"Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for
12 hours!"
The next day, Crash rides down to the same
pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his
pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that
Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some
places.
Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben
Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not
going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"
your dick while it's in that condition?"
Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls
didn't show up."
********************************************************
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his
life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."
******************************************************************************
The Cowboy and the biker
cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same
day.
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.
The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn.
Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden.
He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.
The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn.
Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden.
He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first"
**************************************************
The Bowl of Chilli
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he
asks her,
"What's the special of the day Chilli," she says, "but the biker next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the biker next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten." Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked."
No, help yourself," replied the biker.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The Biker sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
"What's the special of the day Chilli," she says, "but the biker next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the biker next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten." Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked."
No, help yourself," replied the biker.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The Biker sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
***********************************************************************************
Biker in a bar
Biker sitting in a pub, quietly nursing his pint, when the door opens and in
walks a lady of easily negotiable affection. She sits at the bar next to our
hero and says in a husky voice, “Hey big boy, have you ever had a
thrill?”
“Yeah,” replies the sledder, “I was out on my bike and was rippin’ down some country lanes; the sun was shinin’, the little birds wuz tweetin’, the bike was runnin’ sweet and everythin’ was cool.”
“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a real thrill?” she asks again.
“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over into some really tight bends and the footpegs were scraping out wiv sparks flying behind me!”
Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple for him.
“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt a c*nt?”
“Yeah,” he sez. “I fell off.”
“Yeah,” replies the sledder, “I was out on my bike and was rippin’ down some country lanes; the sun was shinin’, the little birds wuz tweetin’, the bike was runnin’ sweet and everythin’ was cool.”
“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a real thrill?” she asks again.
“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over into some really tight bends and the footpegs were scraping out wiv sparks flying behind me!”
Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple for him.
“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt a c*nt?”
“Yeah,” he sez. “I fell off.”
********************************************************
Biker on a plane
A very pompous minister, a strict tee total, was seated next to a biker on a
flight to Dallas, TX.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The biker asked for a beer, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The biker then handed his beer back to the flight attendant and said, “I didn't know there was a choice.”
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The biker asked for a beer, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The biker then handed his beer back to the flight attendant and said, “I didn't know there was a choice.”
***********************************************************
The Biker and the Gorilla
A small Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a biker and part-time grounds keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Bubba had little education, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £100?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Bubba, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £100."
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a biker and part-time grounds keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Bubba had little education, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £100?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Bubba, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £100."
******************************************************************
Speeding
"
"
The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain
road. Then along comes a guy who was crusing very slowly uphill toward me,
honking his horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" he yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped him the finger and shouted back "fuckhead".
Still thinking about this asshole and his shouting, I turned the corner and
promptly collided with a pig.
**************************
The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon
was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The
mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em,
put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get
such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
**************************
Taz the biker
Nasty old biker named "TAZ" walks into a bank and says to the woman at the
teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman
replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you
say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the
old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem,"
the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to
open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see, " says the manager,
"and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
***********************
Visitors